We need to talk- Part II

Click here for Part I

So, how do we connect?

I am not an expert, but in my opinion, it is high time we individually take ownership for the things that happen around us. It is time to take responsibility to prioritize ourselves, our people, and our feelings and be kind instead of indulging in an “age-old system of formality”. We need to accept that we have been unable to pay minute attention to ourselves and to those around us and recognize their subtle behaviors which are screaming for attention. It is time to give more importance to find our inner core- our truest self. The one that exists without any masks.

The lockdown may have definitely increased the Zoom and WhatsApp video calls with your closest friends and family, but it is always nice to re-connect with an old friend or an old neighbor. It is nice to be as vulnerable to them NOW as you were before, and shed the need to create and maintain a certain “image of perfection”.

Nothing is as charming as being your Authentic Self! How can you do that? Self Love! To connect with others, we need to first learn to connect with our truest selves. People ideally should accept you JUST the way you are, without any pretension and without any excuse. If not, THEY should find a way to deal with it, not you.

The connection also means to be vulnerable about your deepest experiences and engaging in topics considered as “taboo”. We may often avoid sensitive topics, like say finances, when that is exactly what we need more of. We often shy from initiating conversations with our long lost friends because it may seem weird to connect after years of being disconnected. Connecting to them may not be “needed” as we may not share the same experiences NOW, the way we once shared. In these cases, its even more convenient to shrug your shoulders saying, “Naah, I spoke to her many months/years back during that training or during that work assignment/ during college. No contact since then.”

We also shy away from talking about our failures and painful experiences, often under the fear of being judged. But how can we forget that our strongest connections are often formed with those we share our pain with!  Isn’t that the reason why people love gossiping? It may be inappropriate, but it gives the people involved space to connect over their problems! So why not use our problems as an excuse to bond and learn from each other?

This is where our responsibility comes out to test. It is very convenient to post statuses, asking someone else to reach out to us because we are always available. But WE never take initiative to initiate conversations and keep in touch. Because we are either always busy or never feel the need to keep in touch! Why aren’t you in touch with those friends? Where is your initiative here? Is there no initiative because you no longer share that common experience or is it because they no longer serve your purpose? Let’s be honest ( I definitely want to know about this in the comments section below!)

It is completely unfair to expect a depressed person to reach out to you, when you, in spite of being sane enough, do not reach out yourself. Keep in touch folks, even if there does not seem any benefit from doing so. You never know how happy someone feels while talking to you after so long, that they forget their worries and stress. You never know how a call after many years can make someone say,” You made my day!” Allow yourself to initiate those acts of kindness. Share what you can. Reach out to as many as you can. And show that people matter to you through your actions. Thank them for existing and making a difference in your life. Show gratitude!

Today, we all turn to Google for literally all of our questions. Why? I don’t say its wrong. But can we find ways to reduce Google’s involvement in our lives and involve our people instead? People just need to feel involved in your lives, no matter how small or how big a situation. By involving them in small ways in your lives, you show them that they matter. And that’s how you can develop your bond and strengthen your relationships.

Eg: Are you wondering what to cook today and searching for the answers on Youtube? How about asking your aunts, neighbors, and friends for their suggestions on a rotational basis on a call? It’s even better if these aunts belong to different communities! What a variety to enjoy! Want to start a new hobby? Call up the person who is already involved in it rather than asking Google. You came across a topic that you know your friend loves? Call them and talk to them about it. Or find a new topic on Google Scholar and call someone randomly and talk to them about it.  Don’t share the link on Whatsapp and stop there. Learn about different cultures from those who follow it. Maybe they would do a better job than Google. Looking for historical stories? Ask your grandparents or elders in the family! They will be more than happy to share more with you than Google!

The idea is to engage with all your senses and reconnect with a VARIETY of people to build a deep and strong relationship! The idea is to occasionally involve people in your life and let them involve you in theirs. It takes a persistent, two-way effort to keep in touch and maintain relationships. Only when you take effort to maintain a relationship, can you expect someone to open up about their deepest fears and insecurities to you. Unless YOU show your vulnerable side FIRST, you cannot expect someone to open up to you that they are depressed. Talking about depression (or any failure) is scary. We lose the right to judge or question someone’s suicidal actions when we don’t know what they are going through and when we have not made the effort to reach out to them.

Reach out to people you would normally NOT reach out to. The first call will obviously seem awkward but its an opportunity to learn something new and reconnect. Talking about ideas, dreams, hobbies, great memories-  something offbeat and creative will keep you in a good mood.

We can face these tough times by using subtle techniques like:  

1. Practice Non Reaction – Say, someone close to you is feeling off and is acting out of anger or another temporary emotion. It is better to not react to that energy, by not paying attention to those energies. Instead, we take responsibility by using our ability to respond and be kind. Breathe in and THINK- How do I respond to this situation with love? Only then say something.

2. Acceptance – This phase is a tough phase for everyone across the globe and the dark storms are lasting longer than usual. Everyone is going through this together. Accept this situation as it is. All talks around Bollywood nepotism simply reflects the need to accept people as they are without feeling the need to be judgmental and competitive. Let’s work on making ourselves more inclusive of the diversity and recognize any camps that we are a part of instead of pointing fingers. Let’s evaluate if we are being unfair to others. This is more to do with self-reflection.

3. Listen with compassion and without judgment – This is the MOST important act of kindness you can offer. Give them space and time to react. This is a testing time for everyone and please note: People who get through this tough time, your relationship after this tough time will blossom all together to another level because we are going through tough times together. So be there. Go through personal development together. Avoid falling in the trap of Victim mentality. Enroll for a course and be coached together.

4. Question the old norms and let go of what is not serving you- I am sure there are a lot of new things we want to create as we go forward together. What are the redundant ideas we still live by and what can we incorporate in our space? For eg: Since we are so concerned about mental health, why is there no mental health insurance policy in existence? How about initiating ideas surrounding mental health policies at work with HR? Our small steps create change. Let me know if you have any food for thought ideas in the comments below!

I feel the immense need for people to consistently maintain deep connections and for conversations to lead beyond small talk and mundane topics. At the end of the day, there is nothing worse than losing a loved one to suicide just because you didn’t have “THE TALK”.